Yo yo yo!!!!! It’s been a long week back at work so you know that means I gotta get my wet noodle on cuz I’ve been a good girl all week but there’s still one more day left before I have to clean myself up for the Lord. This is Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 6: Paldo Gomtang Noodles!
At first glance, the cup and size of the package is sleek and petite, perfect for a light meal. And at only around 350 calories, it’s less fattening but WAY more satisfying than a Silicon Valley snack dick. You got your beef broth powder and a plethora of green onions, so y’all know I’m all over this shit like middle class wimminz at a Pottery Barn sale whose culmination of all their hopes and dreams take the form of fresh linen scented oil candles. How the FUCK do they make scented candles smell more fresh linen than my fresh linens, and who do I have to fight to get that shit in my house!?!?
I digress. So here’s the thing about these noodles: they’re fucking NICE. And not “nice guy” nice, fuck that d-bag. Like, 3 years strong, cleans the cat’s litter box so’s you don’t have to be exposed to the elements, gives you a foot massage before wrapping you in an orange snuggie and putting an extra shot of tequila in your hot cocoa, BOYFRIEND MATERIAL noodles. They are solid, sturdy, great slurp and delightful chew, picking up the perfect amount of lightly seasoned soup that you could eat all day, every day, no problem, and still be able to go dancing with a partner horizontally right after. And the soup doesn’t hold back, either – perfect comfort! Mild, warming, spiked with a cheeky amount of black pepper in the end. It’s the soup that’s got your back when you lose the office rumor war with that b Trisha and it feels like the whole world has been against you FOREVER for like, 4 days. Well, fuck Trisha. Ain’t nobody need her trifling ass. All you need is Gomtang noodles and you can go back to fighting the good fight against dem hoebags.
Final score: 7.5/10