Continuing my cold noodle kick, I decided that I haven’t been giving enough love to Japan lately so imma fix that with Episode 10 of Not Your Mother’s Ramen: Myojo Chukazanmai Ryanmen – Japanese Style Cold Noodles Sesame Flavored sauce With Mustard. Essentially Myojo’s version of Hiyashi Chuuka. What is Hiyashi Chuuka, you say? Prepare yourselves people, you’re bout to get woke.
Hiyashi Chuuka is like you got invited to a family picnic you don’t wanna be at when you hate your family. And bugs. And splinters. And small talk. And screaming snot-faced kids trying to rub their marker-stained rubella hands on you. You know you’re gonna spend 90% of your time hovering around the picnic table covered in bangin ass food just so you can give your mom an excuse why you’re not listening to her sister talk about her new fitness routine and how you should get into one, too, to really get your life on track. Fuck you Aunt Susan, nobody cares about how great your jazzercise class is. I’m perfectly happy with my life of pathetic but attainable achievements of eating ramen noodles for dinner 3-5x a week by myself and writing about it, so mind your business and back the fuck off.
In this completely not real hypothetical that absolutely did not happen 2 weeks ago, the picnic table is Hiyashi Chuuka, and Myojo’s got your back. Take their noodles, which have enough permanent wave to impress the cast members of Saved by the Bell. After cooking until al dente and rinsing them off in cool water, they exhibit maximum chewiness and plump up as the best canvas to pile on the rest of your culinary buffet. Then you take their sauce. Two packets: liquid gold sweet salty sesame, and glorious Japanese mustard (karashi, for all you purists) studded with tangy citrus pepper that really kicks it up a notch. The mustard and citrus cuts through what might otherwise be a heavy dish, but there’s never any gross feeling after eating these til you pop, and that’s a good thing. Even alone, these noodles would be tasty. But top this humble offering with whatever you have on hand to bring it from having a good time to a massage + happy ending. As you can see, I like mine with honey baked ham, sweet corn straight off the cob, thick slices of tomato, egg ribbons, cooling cucumber, and fresh green onions. But feel free to put your own spin on it! I’ve seen ones with chicken, fried onions, cracked black pepper, lemon and mayo. Go all veggie with tomatoes, mushrooms, sliced bell pepper, and shredded carrots and cabbage. Or get really crazy and cover the whole mess in grated crack rock. #girluwild #winning #norules. The best part is, this smorgasbord fits neatly on one plate, so carry that shit around with you so’s you can be the envy of your extended family as they watch in awe the culmination of what your 4 years of undergrad + 3 years of graduate education has bestowed upon you, because you are absolutely NOT A FAILURE, you keep telling yourself that. Now sit your ass down and savor what a successful life tastes like.
Final Score: 8.0/10