You know that kid growing up who seemed to win all the time? Could be math, sports, dancing, poetry slam, speed crochet, whatever. This guy was #1 at errthing. And he was charming af too!! Every girl wanted to date him and every guy wanted to be him (or be inside him. Dun be a h8ter). And then that ONE time you stupidly tried to call him out because you were acting the brat and wouldn’t stand for his perfection no more, he goes and invites you to his after-prom party and he spends the night trying to arrange the hookup with your crush, cuz he’s way better than you’ll ever be, and you ended up having the time of your life. #romcomheartthrob. Well, fuck that guy, showing us just how shitty the rest of us are by comparison. And China, fuck you. If it weren’t for you, it wouldn’t be so glaringly obvious how shitty all other noodles are by showing us the heights of what they should be. This is Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 18: Sichuan Baijia Chongqing Noodles – Burning Dry Noodles.
Any marketing professional will tell you that first impressions of a package are key. And imma be real here, cartoon characters always get me because being spoon-fed American commercialism means that I still see my entire life through the eyes of a Disney Princess. The only reason the birds aren’t landing on my fingers and doing my housework is because the magic has been bred out of them. I’ll go in the forest and find me some wild birds who still have the good genes. #letitgo #foreverCinderelly #unrealisticexpectations. I mean, look how happy these mofos are. There’s no fucking way these noodles are bad, their borderline culturally-inappropriate smizing faces got me sold.
But yo, this shit is too good to let racism, politics, loyalty, or any other of your petty bullshit get in the way of what will be a life-altering experience for you. You know the fundamental principle of more packets = better noodle experience, and this dish is no exception. Put the noodles in a bowl and cover them with boiling water for 5 minutes. It says to warm the sauces on the lid of the noodle steeping container, so I channeled my inner MacGuyver and covered the whole mess with foil, placing the sauces on top. It was a good call; they turned out perfect. The powder is deep and earthy, the vegetable sachet, which is most likely a local pickled mustard green, oily and unctuous, and the peppers are complex in a fuck yeah punish me sorta way, with plenty of mala (numbing) from sichuan peppercorn and hot oil. You get layered notes of ginger, garlic, fermented soybean, cinnamon, bay leaf, star anise, and cumin. So absolutely no meat whatsoever, but you never fucking miss it, it’s that good. The flavor is 2legit2quit. Also 2legit for any Chinese restaurant outside of real Chinatown.
I think you know where I’m going with this. Ya’ll, we have another gem here. Do yourself a solid and pick up some of these noodles. Your multiple mouth orgasms will fill you with so much oxytocin that you may actually be a pleasant person to be around if you do.
Final score: 9.0/10