We are living in confusing times. Up is down, left is right, Norway is mostly white?, and apparently 2018 is ushering in beef’d up HR requirements that now make it creepy to stare aggressively into another man’s soul at work without breaking eye contact while slow jerking your invisible penis that is without a doubt way bigger than his. Not my fault homeboy failed to capitalize on the ExtendZe holiday promotion like yours truly so wisely did. I ain’t against extracurricular supplementation to get my mad gainz, especially when the jury is still undecided on whether juicing is bad. If you can pump your muscles full of drugs, you can pump your dick full of drugs. Options.
Confused yet? OF COURSE YOU ARE. So am I! It takes a special level of irrationality to live where humanity is real life trending. Turns out that even ramen has fallen into the clutches of that same confusion. In Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 27 – Pulmuone Crab Jjamppong Ramen, we have, quite possibly, the most perplexing set of starch-in-broth presented to date. Lemme break this shit down fer ye.
The Noodles – Similar to my ongoing relationship status, “It’s complicated.” That’s also coincidentally what I write for my address on health forms, since “couch surfing at your ex-ex bf’s shared 5-person common area while you wait for your food & style blog to blow up” isn’t an officially recognized residence option yet. The fuck am I supposed to write then!? I told you times are confusing, and these noodles are no different: Slippery, almost soggy on the outside while still maintaining a firm chew in the very center, like a reverse soft-boiled egg. Huh. They’re non-fried, so maybe that has something to do with it. Fuck health, next time give us the plump and juicy fried ones the public wants.
The Soup – Strong crab on the nose, but it translates into soft and expertly subtle crab flavor on the palate. Not too aggressively spiced, though at first it seems like it would be too much to handle. The spicy pleasure builds, though. Kind of like your first foray into pegging: you think you’re overwhelmed but keep trying to relax despite the big dildo sliding into your butthole, but if you quit being a bitch, bite the pillow and push through, your body will adjust to accommodate a bigger (wo)man. Trust in the process and you will be rewarded. That’s what my gay friends say, and imma defer to the experts on this one.
All in all, this is good beginner jjamppong. It isn’t skanky on the seafood flavor, and the crab taste is prevalent but balanced. I even fished out some rehydrated scallop, so it would seem like Pulmuone shelled out good on this one. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t get over the noodles. Korean noodles are typically top-notch, so you don’t fuck with a good thing that much without losing major points. The soup alone is worth a solid 8, but the universal scale of attractiveness dictates that if your body is hot but you got a Captain Hook hand, something’s always gonna feel a bit off come sexytime.
Final Score: 6.5/10