What’s wrong, homie? You tryna exist in that ambiguous space between New Year’s and Easter, with only beta holidays to tide you over along the way with no real legitimate reason to justify drinking your existential feelings of depression into hiding? Yeah, me neither. Spoiler alert: Winter will do that to you.
Hang tight with Boo Diddly for Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 30: Ve Wong Instant Noodles Soup – Chinese Herb – Angelica Flavor!
Noodles – Nothing new, but there’s something comforting about the old school deep fried strands. You love your basic bitch because she’s uncomplicated and unevolved, still living in the same town you two grew up in. Her fav place to be is IHOP and her favorite position is being happy with whatever scraps you give her. She doesn’t want more and doesn’t ask you to be more. And she will always be there for a good tumble when you’re down on your luck and need a chill place to crash, right between those juicy chicken thighs. You know the drill.
Soup – HOLY SHIT WTF!? You know that feeling that you get when you take the jockiest bro-iest loud & obnoxious alpha male super concerned with his aesthetic, then you watch him voluntarily order a soy milk “for the flavor” to pair alongside his T-bone steak dinner and your world comes crashing down? That’s me af right now. This broth is so much more than instant. It’s the most wholesome, homemade by your Chinese grandmother, but like, if she was the village master cook slash medicine woman slash crazy matchmaker and advice giver who always turned out to be right so you’d better fucking listen to her and put on a jacket before you get sick – type liquid gold antidote. It says right here, second ingredient: Chinese herb powder (angelica, ligusticum). Consulting the google machine reveals that angelica is wild celery root. BRB gonna get my ass down to the crystal healer’s homeopathic store so’s I can clean house while I get my tastebuds AND my health on. If I had to describe it, it tastes homier than chicken soup without any chicken flavor, a touch of cinnamon and a hint of sweetness. It is vegetarian without leaning mushroom-y or having any weird mineral flavors from carrots or supermarket celery. It honestly tastes like a wholesome nourishing brown soup, light and sparkling, substantial but not heavy in the slightest. Kind of like that thermal henley that keeps you warm and snug but it’s still breathable so you don’t overheat. This soup is the soup Baby Bear is having for lunch. Well move over Baby Bear, before you get shanked by my hangry bitch ass.
Noodles are forgivable in this case. Don’t kid yourself, you’re here for the soup. Channel your inner salt bae and sprinkle some chicken and scallion luv on your meal-to-be. Now go away and let me be alone in my happy place.
Final Score: 8.5/10