It’s high time I reconnect with my often-overlooked elder millennial fans. You know who you are. You’re more mature than your younger brethren, but that also means you’ve got the life experience it takes to not run to the bathroom on free wine tasting night and puke your brains out while your bff Becky holds your hair and repeatedly affirms that Dylan is a dick for leaving you on your half birthday so of course you’re not a mess. Instead, you now metabolically grow hair on your chest when you drink dark liquor, which is a good thing because 1. that means you can afford dark liquor; and 2. you’ve been saving all those tanning salon reward points so you can finally get your juggs waxed like a real girl. Get hard.
Since you are legitimately a woman, you’ve got to start making some lifestyle changes more befitting a lady of your status. So the next time you’re in the Asian market with your bae, ditch the Young Vinegar flavored Kiki Noodles and grab a bag of version 2.0 for Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 37: KiKi Noodles – Spicy Aged Vinegar Flavor. Everyone knows that men are watching your every move to see if you are wife material, so never give him reason to question your competence in the womanly arts of ramen picking if you want to make Dylan cry about YOU in 6 months. #sayyestothering #focused #thelittlethings #blessed.
Let’s do this. Noodles boiled for 3-5 minutes, drained, then mixed with the sauce packets. Top with a sunny-side up egg and pepper flakes to make it extra fancy. The noodles are the same consistent high quality that we’ve come to expect from KiKi: light, chewy, and smelling of fresh and slightly sweet flour. The sauce soaks in a bit, coating them lusciously and completely without getting soggy. Win. Now smell that shit and enjoy the aroma of good funk, the likes of which you only encounter when an attractive man comes home from the gym and he still smells fresh but primal. His pheromones bitch slap your libido, saying “I don’t have to work out, but I do because I have an abundance of money and time and baby you know you want your kids to look like me so DANCE FOR DADDY while I make it rain in your downstairs.” Well put on your poncho and get out your glow sticks because it’s a goddamn rave in my mouth: thick, dank, aged vinegar and dark soy playing tug-of-war with sweet tang and assertive hot pepper spice that smacks you in the face – not so offensive to wake you up from your sexual euphoria, but enough so that you know it’s there. You may have gone into this as Lizzy, but you’re coming out an Elizabeth because you fuck like an adult.
For the record, I wasn’t looking to buy ass today, but good ass just fell into my lap, which is strange cuz normally I’m in a large windowless room when that happens.
Final Score: 9.0/10