We all have our kinks. Some of us don’t even know what they are yet.
Maybe it started out with you *really* liking turtle necks, then asking your choke hold instructor to “make it feel real” in that women’s self defense class, and before you know it you’re sharing Tuesday morning water cooler talk with all the squares at your government agency and you find yourself stream of consciousness narrating your wet dream erotic asphyxiation fantasy and when they flip out you can’t even fake shame for their sake. This is who I am, Liz. Love is love.
So to all the men out there, lemme axe you a question. Is your lady satisfied? Is she, really? Do you know what your girlfriend’s secret hidden kink is that she absolutely won’t be telling you cuz she doesn’t even know yet due to the fact that she’s a few months out from meeting the super successful reformed deviant with a bad boy past who will help her discover it? If that deviant isn’t you, then you’d better get your hustle together and become one before she leaves your bland ass for something weird and buried deep in her messed up childhood.
Food is a big sexual or non-sexual fantasy. Seriously. For you numbers guys, studies have shown that women think about food almost as often as men think about sex. So if you wanna be a part of that fantasy, I say don’t beat em, join em. Show her a new food that’ll blow her goddamn mind, and she’ll be crazy for YOU, as the purveyor of “unknown but please show me more mind blowing food tantra, daddy, and I’ll be yours forever.” And I’m here to help you take your relationship/marriage/fuck buddy arrangement from “it’s complicated” to “I said yes to the dress.” This is Not Your Mother’s Ramen episode 39: Shin Horng Hon’s Dry Noodles – Toona Flavor.
Toona? You mean tuna, right? FUCK NO SON, that shit’s for plebs. Toona sauce starts out as a paste that smells strongly of soy, nondescript but delicious Taiwanese brown sauce, shimmery shallot oil, and the perfect level of assertive spice layered over the flavor emulsion to tie it all together, finished with a refreshing, lightly sour tang. In the words of my bestie, “I can’t tell what’s in it, but I’d love to eat this at the beach with a summer shandy.” This kid’s palate is going places. He’s not wrong, though. The sauce is somehow both delicate and rich, satisfying but not heavy, a solid standalone or part of a complete meal. And the noodles – my God, the noodles! Non-fried. Fresh, beautiful flour smell. So plump, so bouncy. Think about the most amazing Korean instant ramen you’ve ever made, with their colossal noodle blocks that, until now, have reigned supreme over all other instant ramen noodle blocks. Well this is like the beta test version of what Korean noodles wanna be in 5 years. If Korean noodles are the original FFVII, it’s like you just got to play the demo version of the FFVII remake and life will never be the same.
Since I was hard-pressed to discern any real semblance of tuna in these Toona noodles, I added some of the finest chunk white albacore that Starkist has to offer because I’m a DC baller, but tbh you don’t even need any toppings for these noodles to shine. No matter what went into it, these noodles are unquestionably the exact kind of sweet strange that you & your bae have been needing in your lives.
I just saved your relationship. You’re welcome.
Final Score: 9.0/10