Crabs are fuckin weird, ya’ll. ‘Specially when they’re the yummy type, not the type that come as proof of purchase for your single night in DC tryst. People gonna hump, what can I say? But today imma talk about the lip-smacking, albeit more dangerous sort, the ones who will pinch or grab you, shank you for looking at em the wrong way, and walk sideways like a thug because fuck your mom.

Since the stars aligned today, let’s get turnt on some Maryland Blue and get our revenge on these little crustacean aliens invading our shores with their foreign mannerisms by befriending them, learning their ways, breeding with their women, and boiling them in agony before finally consuming their flesh to claim their power as our own. The ushe, nbd. This is Not Your Mother’s Ramen – Episode 36: Fujiwara Kani no Chikara, Power of the Crab!

The recent nonfried noodle trend sweeping Japan has gotten super impressive. The boiling noodles smell gently of eggs and freshly milled flour, pillowy soft and lusciously silken. Japan, why you make me so horno for your porno!? And your ramen noodles, getting my pre-game SWOL on and I ain’t even made the soup yet or invited a boyfie for this all hands below deck situation, gnome sayin?

Soup is excellent, so slurp that shit. The noods combine with the soup like magnets, completely coated with it like a good sauce should. Miso is blessedly subtle, providing a salty and refreshingly soft base for the crab stock, which does not fuck around, a lingering and very noticeable sweetness well after the initial bite is over. Respect it, yo. Rather than competing, they complete one another, and what you end up with is savory, buttery, sweet & shockingly creamy crab chowder that is neither milk nor tomato-based. This ramen is so fly you can’t NOT add some old bay steamed and picked lumps up top, and unless you’re a prude, do yourself a solid and attack it on all 4s like the crazed animal you are: lump crab, back fin, claw, and roe get you jacked full of POWER OF THE CRAB with much better odds than Sex Panther.

Other than unconfirmed potential demonic possession, the only criticism I can make is that the soup might be a tad *too* salty, easily remedied by diluting it with your mad MacGuyver skillz. Real talk tho, if you can help it, don’t skimp on the toppings. We trying to win this invasion, so do your part. #UsvsThem

Final Score: 8.0/10