I may have run into financial trouble recently. And by that I mean, I like nice things and don’t have the expense account, moral bankruptcy, or self-restraint to embody the champagne diet lifestyle. And I know you’re in the same boat as me, which is more like an inflatable gator because who the fuck can afford a boat in 2018!? I ain’t going hungry just so I can qualify for an Annapolis Yacht Club membership. Do you even need to own a yacht to be a part of a yacht club? (Update: answer inconclusive).
So take it from me, a girl who has a whopping 28 days of real life experience toughing it out to become the DMV’s hottest lifestyle coach for the working broke. You can smell the poor coming off these titties. Today is your lucky day, for I am going to impart upon you the first step of my tried & true system when every system has failed you. And that first step is get rid of all your actual real food and replace it with cheap ass ramen. (You thought I was gonna recommend finding your ass a sugar daddy but that takes a penchant for obedience that yours truly just does not have).
That’s why you need a Mama to save the day. She makes this crazy line of Thai instant noodles that, unlike your aging benefactor, you wouldn’t kick out of bed. Today on Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 34: MAMA Noodles Jumbo Pack – Green Curry Flavor.
You don’t need bifocals to see Mama caked on flavor like the Kardashians cake on foundation. Same old deep fried noodles, technology from a simpler time (1958), so we can get our time travel on while waiting for MAGA to take us back there for realsies.
Let’s do this, fam. *slurp*
…Okay. Let’s unpack this rubix cube of tummy turbulence. The first thing that hits you is sweetness, subtle like honey, not high fructose corn diabetes, how are Americans not all dead yet?- delight. Thick milky goodness ushers your way along this wonderland ride. Then not to be ignored, green spicey chilis throw a punch from across the room like Dahlsim’s Stretch Armstrong limbs while yelling “WAKE UP BITCH.” Oh god, why? Why, Mama?? I thought you was gonna be sweet and nice like I wasn’t your firstborn disappointment but then you laugh in my face while proclaiming “You’re not mine!”. Damn Mama, why you so cold? T_T
Just don’t forget that this is spice level: Jungle fire ant colony. I had to pause a few times and wait for my ear drums to stop audibly throbbing before proceeding. Pregnant women, elderly invalids, and whiney little bitches should steer clear of this one.The flavor is delicious, though. Sweet, creamy, herby, spicy, and hearty soup that is undeniably Thai green curry, floated with a raft of savory strands and shimmering kaffir lime oil, will have even one percenters cursing their #privilege keeping them out of our exclusive club. If they don’t want me, I don’t want them! #suckit.
Final Score: 7.0/10