Whelp, I did it. I bit the bullet and moved to the DMV’s instant ramen nirvana. And I definitely did it for the blog, not for a better commute or reconnecting with my suburb roots or to get away from friend drama. I’m getting serious about this thing. And yo, turns out 99 Ranch decided to plop its new store right around the corner, so our next review is in celebration of the new world of offerings that just opened up. This is Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 34 – Chi Sheng Guan Miao Mian XO Sauce Noodles. Ya baby, we moving on up!
For those of us in the know, XO sauce is a spicy seafood sauce originating from Hong Kong in the 80s, and is responsible for bigger friendship fractures than a papal schism. It’s an acquired taste, but a good rule of thumb is: If you like seafood, like, LIKE LIKE seafood, like if you like it so much why don’t you marry it then Bobby, then give it a whirl. And if you do, this is definitely the instant noodle brand to pop your cherry with. Boil the noodles for at least 4-5 minutes, and don’t skimp! You can use the spare time to text your bae back, playa.
Let me just say this. Of all the senses to rely upon, you know a quality noodle by the smell. Without getting all scientific study about it, good noodles smell like, well, noodles…and nothing else. And by that I mean freshly-milled flour. That’s exactly what you get here. Put your face in the steam, inhale (because that’s the point), and be transported to a state-of-the-art noodle factory in Taiwan churning out free range artisanal pleasure to be shipped right to your local Asian market. And unlike the new raw water craze, the only thing that’s gonna turn green over time is your envy if you don’t get all over this shit.
You put your noodles in, you put your right hand out, you put your sauces in, and you stir it all about. You throw in more scallions than you think you need, and then you throw in some more. Why? It cuts the heady intense seafood and spice flavor, duh. Like for realsies, this is #asianspicy, so if your tolerance is weaksauce, proceed at your own risk. DON’T GET ALL COMPLICATED JUST TRUST ME. Put it all together and do the hokey-pokey while you shake your bum all about, ya Queen.
HOLY FUCK DOOD. Did we just get laid?? O_O. Prossibly. Strap the fuck into this 18+ fun ride as your mouth is assaulted with layers of bang-up flavor but like, 100% consensual because I’m not about to #metoo you. First you get hit with scallop so condensed and meaty in flavor you’d swear it was bacon sausage, then the sweetness creeps in as sugared soy sauce tickles your senses, before taking a sharp right towards crumbled shrimp-garlic-chili-crack oil, finished with yet another hit of food grade heroine before siphoning off into an aftertaste of challenging, aggressive spicy after burn, the likes of which you haven’t felt since you rubbed icy hot on your junk in your infinite 19 year old wisdom. Chi Sheng XO sauce, you’re like the hate fuck that I don’t ever wanna quit. If you were swelling up earlier, you are straight up harder than you’ve ever been in your goddamn life, and your ushe pornhub viewing of a middle aged midget dressed as an adult baby complete with bib and a rattler as the EDM version of “The Wheels on the Bus” plays in the background just isn’t gonna take you home this time. That’s like the ultimate sexual fantasy, second to making love to your elderly invalid husband/wife, only to have them die during foreplay and leave you all their money. #youtoo?
I kid you not, serve these noodles and your humble abode will turn into a ranked hot spot on Tripadvisor. Now there’s an idea; I gotta make new friends ’round here somehow.
Final Score: 9.5/10