I have a confession to make.
I like attention, and I’m willing to do whatever the fuck it takes to get it. There. I said it. Whether it’s joining the All-District Spelling Bee when you don’t read so good because that sapio hunk James is MC’ing it, sending in your resume as part of a food delivery to get past the corporate firewall, or pulling your nuts out when you may not have been under the influence of the goose because your buddy put his on display and you are NOT about to be the only guy left with his nuts still in his pants #truestory, there ain’t no stopping until all eyes are on you, because attention is attraction, attraction is currency, and you need to be able to outbid every other bitch in the motherfucking house. Do. whatever. it. takes. You wanna be a STAR, dontcha??
Get your D, hoe.
So what am I gonna do for attention today? Something BIG. Like, Michelin Star BIG. Ramenized. Ramenfied? Whatever. This is Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 31: 7&i Premium – Tsuta Japanese Soba Noodles.
That’s right, yagirl got her hands on the legendary Michelin Starred ramen bowl from Tsuta. “But Nats, however did you perform this magical feat when you’re all the way in bumfuck Washington, DC? Are you magic?” Only when I put on my robe & wizard hat, fam. Let’s just say I know a guy.
WARNING: THIS IS NOT BEGINNER RAMEN. But I’m not a beginner girl, if you couldn’t tell. Pull back the lid and you’ll find a 4-piece of extras: dehydrated onions + dehydrated pork belly O_o wuuuuut??, thick & rich dashi broth paste, crunchy sweet menma bamboo shoots, and truffle oil. Truffle oil, da fuq!? YAS. Michelin Star, bitch. Follow my guy’s instructions and do whatever you need to do to get your head right – you’re gonna need it.
Dashi stock is already condensed smoky fish broth, umami incarnate. Truffle oil is the French offering of their own max level umami, so mushroomey it verges on cheesey. Combine them together and you get something funky that honestly, your average user is probably not gonna enjoy. But if you’re brave enough, you’ll be hit with a Hadouken of flavor, almost too much for even this chica to handle, broke da mouth ono (delicious). The pork is delicate and mild, a support system for the rich soup. The menma bamboo shoots were refreshingly impressive, naturally sweet but not cloying, crunchy and fresh, like they were made and served to me from a counter 5 feet away, instead of packaged and shipped halfway across the world. I could not tell that the noodles were not locally made fresh, the texture was that good – only the fact that they were odourless gave it away. Quality noodles are like that, and this is nothing if not a quality product.
Try it. Taste it. Try it again, because you gotta try everything twice. And see how you like it. Love it, hate it, at the very least you’ll get an Achievement Unlocked and a PS4 trophy. Distinguish yourself from everyone else. Me, I do it for the likes. Maybe the growth. Definitely the attention.
Final Score: 9.0/10