Santa Claus. High heels. Banana flavored candy that tastes NOTHING like banana. Tinder profiles that say “not a fuckboy” when you know the only time you’ll hear from this goober is at 3:03 am when “you up?” pops up behind the cat videos on your youtube playlist. The world is full of lies. So today, imma do everyone a solid and publicly shame one of the more recent offenders in Episode 7 of Not Your Mother’s Ramen: Nissin Demae Black Garlic Oil Tonkotsu Flavor Instant Noodles.

Let’s start off with the packaging. Innocuous enough, but wtf sort of faux Japanese kid is dressed in traditional bouzu garb like he’s a local but his hair is stereotypical American Blonde like he can’t decide if he’s trying to be hip and modern or if he’s gonna do his job and deliver my FUCKING RAMEN before I get reverse culture shock and freak out all over his comic book ass and undo over 60 years of peace with the land of the rising sun?!?!?!! Once you get past this wannabe weebo and get to the noodles, you notice that these are so solidly made and – dare I say it? exciting – but do not fall to this cruel temptress’s seduction. This noodle block is the mere hype man before Carrot Top. His gingery buff ass has NOTHING to do with his comedy, btw. If I wanted to see a jakked funny man, I’d look up Dom Mazzetti (SHOUT OUT TO BROSCIENCE!!). Not gonna front tho, the noodles are good, but not enough to forgive the blue ball situation that is about to ensue.

Opening the soup packet, you get a crazy whiff of nostalgia, and not in a good way. You can smell the broke assery in the powder, reminding you of every weekend morning in college you wanted to forget because your parents decided to skimp on your meal plan and you had to make do with shitty Top Ramen bargain basement soup 2 years expired from the bin at the WaWa. I challenge you to find the difference. Why the fuck you lyyyyyyin, Nissin Demae Black Garlic Oil Noodles?

Finally, what should have been the star of the show: Black Garlic Oil. This sexy smokin hard-to-find ingredient is the hot new thing amongst chef circles, and – like the stripper who is “only doing it to pay her college tuition” – it seems way too good to be true that this could actually work out long term for you. DON’T BE A SUCKER. You are paying peanuts for the promise of a few moments of heaven, so you know this shit isn’t meant to last. Weak and only slightly aromatic at best, it certainly isn’t enough to cover up the shame and regret that comes from voluntarily drinking overly salty, sub-par soup. Yes, it is pretty, I will give them that. The pop of black garlic oil color, shimmering brightly as it floats atop the soup and coats the sturdy, crinkly noodles, makes for an inviting, picturesque instagram dinner. I even gussied it up with scallions and some extra chinese turnip pickles. But ya’ll, let’s be for real. It’s the same deal with makeup. I don’t look refreshed first thing in the morning at work because I got sleep. I look refreshed because home girl knows how to buff in her foundation and do a proper cat eye. You think I don’t know how to lie, too? Bitch plz.

Don’t do it to yourself, man. You’re in your 30s, you studied your ass off in grad school, you can afford better! Don’t keep going back and accepting the same bullshit treatment you put up with in your 20s as your self esteem took a nose dive when you suddenly graduated and couldn’t figure out what was next. You paid your nickel, and now you deserve a relationship that you don’t have to train to make it workable erm, edible. Final score: 4.5/10