Yo, what the shit!? Ever since the recent eclipse and of course he did, it seems like fall just won’t wait its turn. Well, it can go fuck itself, I am NOT wearing a goddamn windbreaker in August. NO! It’s the principle of the thing. Plus ya’ll aren’t ready for the liquid sex exuding from my pores when I strap my 80s gear on that goes way beyond pumpkin spice + uggs. Global warming is definitely not real, all news is fake news unless it’s on Facebook, and I’m an idiot if I can’t tell what’s satire and what’s not. No matter. Since it is still very much summer until Winter is Here, imma bust out my big girl noodle bowl this time for Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 17: Paldo King Noodle Grande Format – Lobster Flavor.

Surreptitiously tapping the sole powder packet like it contained some precious pharmaceuticals, it pours out like red gold and smells strongly of clean, sweet lobster. I can already tell that this is gonna be a dope meal. And don’t you worry bout the vegetables. Paldo’s got you fam, they’re hidden underneath the massive noodle block all mysterious-like, cuz who doesn’t like surprises?? And not like, “hey you gave me crabs!” surprises. Flavor surprises, duh.

Noodles are your pretty standard cup noodles: more soft than chewy, lending themselves to be slurped up quite easily even when gramma is too tired to find her dentures. #gumjobs. The broth, however, is just a hair too spicy to be able to appreciate the lobster flavor. But in Paldo’s defense, this could very well be due to operator error. I know what I’d smelt. *waits 5 minutes later* Okay, revision: If you can calm your hangry ass and wait for it to cool a bit, the lobster gets more pronounced, the soup gets more balanced, and everything is right in the world. Guess the experts were right – delayed gratification exercises really CAN improve your quality of life.

On that note, seems like it’s best to bide my time, keep eating ramen and writing BS, and hope this current clusterfuck clears up soon. And by that, I mean the sunscreen I definitely didn’t put in my eyes to protect it from the UV rays. Pfft, who’d be dumb enough to do that? I’ll let you know when the nurses say I can go home.

Final Score: 6.5/10