It’s no fap November! For all my brothers & sisters going through the same arduous journey, 1. THE FUCK IS YOU CRAZY!?; and 2. You are a much stronger person than me. #bumpit. Lemme tell you what, imma do you a solid because yo, today we got a flava bomb all the way from Yunnan Province in China that just might distract you from your voluntary sexual poverty. Bust out your world map, Marco Polo. We bout to travel deep into silk road flavor smut town for Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 27 – Malabiao Instant Rice Noodle Spicy Sour Beef Flavor.

If sources are to be believed, then Yunnan Province is located in the southwest of China, the cuisine of which benefits from fresh flora, bright vinegars, and mouth-numbing Sichuan peppercorns, which makes you feel like your mouth is being fucked a lot harder and a lot weirder than it actually is. Kinda like that questionably safe Trojan product from a few years back that was like icy hot for your junk. Fyi kids, sex gets way more interesting when she’s bucking against you so hard you can’t tell if she’s having a mild reaction to a bad tingling sensation or they’re just violent seizure shakes from tryna fit your magnum dong.

And if playfully offensive marketing caricatures are to be believed, this turban-wearing mountain yodeler who looks like Pinocchio from the waist down is elated to bring you the best instant noodles you’ve never thought to want from this side of the silk road in the hopes of one day being a real boy.

So how we gonna make this dream wish come true? Simple. Pour 500ml of boiling water into a bowl containing the noodles, dehydrated vegetable and powdered soup packets. Lid it and place the other 2 packets on top for warmth. Come back 6 minutes later and empty the vinegar and chili oil into your soup bowl.

We finally get to answer the age-old question: What exactly does $.79 cents get you? I’ll tell you. Dignity. Clean fun. A temporary feeling of superiority. Faith in humanity again and, most importantly, playfully, delightfully full. Noodles are engineered for perfect softness, slurpiness, and sauce adhesion. Seriously, step back and marvel how beautifully they be wearing this soup swag tripping all the way to your mouth. The beef broth, though still msg-laden and instant, experiences some severe elevation from the sour, tangy black vinegar and spicy pepper paste concoction. I hesitate to call it red pepper paste, because there is nothing simple or straightforward about this cocktail of spicy blackness that is so ambiguous and so sinful that it almost scares you, like you just let Satan all up inside and he’s waiting for the right moment to make his grand exit. If I’m not terrified guessing how my spincter is gonna handle what I just ate, why the fuck would I eat it? #adrenalinejunkie #bringit.

Wtf, China be dominating the noodle game this entire season! But I ain’t complaining. Get yourself some of these Malabiao Yunnan noodles so’s your mouth can be popping louder than Shawn Johnson’s taco.

Final Score: 8.5/10