Okay, peeps! Episode 2 of Not Your Mother’s instant ramen: Hankow Shanghai Scallion Noodles.
I’m gonna level with you. I LOVE scallions. Like how Paula Deen loves butter. And yes I know she cut back but that don’t mean she still doesn’t get the shakes when Land o Lakes is in the house. So when I saw an instant noodle pack with scallion right in their fckn name, you’d best believe I was looking forward to sinking my teeth into some fresh, green, herby, onioney, oily, springy noodle goodness.
You can also imagine how livid I was when the overpowering flavor was undeniably dried shrimp.
WTF, Hankow!? How you gonna play me like that? The worst part is, aside from being a disappointment in the onion department, IT WASN’T EVEN GOOD. Noodles went from al dente to soggy fast. There wasnt enough soy sauce to taste, or to help contribute to my increasing risk of heart disease due to poor life choices. Legit the sad packet of dehydrated “vegetables” disintegrated 30 seconds into the boil, just like waking up on your 29th birthday single and realizing that your hopes and dreams of being married by the time I hit my 30s are quickly becoming a nigh impossibility. OH STOP BEING OVERDRAMATIC NATALIE. Too bad, it’s the exact same kind of sadness and scruples from being unable to salvage the path you’ve taken. #regrets. So – much like dating in your 30s – I choked down my failure in judgment which, btw, was so bad that even adding tons of real green onions couldn’t redeem it. Now I’m just sad.
So there you have it. A $2 pack of noodles that you’ll need to wash down with an $80 therapy session. And if you’re that much of a baller, why you eating instant noodles, yo? You better sit your ass down to Chinatown and get a proper meal. 4.0/10.