Disclaimer: I am heavily under the influence of food so good, countries would go to war over this shit. Helen of Troy’s 2-timing derriere ain’t got nothing on these Chili Crab Noodles. So let’s break this down. You’ve got the noodle: steamed and air-dried, not fried, making them unbelievably springy and pleasurabley bouncy, like the moon bounce of pasta. Except I’m not in danger of getting banned from the neighbor’s Quinceañera for “accidentally” kicking a toddler out of the way so I can commandeer his space in line. He needs to get used to life kicking him in the nuts without crying like a lil bitch. But with these noodles, you just keep coming back because they’re so damn PLEASANT, which is more than I can say for other things I’ve surreptitiously slurped down on a Friday. #dontjudge. Then the sauce – my god, the sauce! Tomatoey sweet, perfectly spiced, enough for a respectable tingle but not enough for bathroom regrets, tangy and wtf, CRABBY, and not in that skank seafood kinda way. This shit is like, high roller, is your name on the list, white tablecloth restaurant crab. And I know something about crab. #marylandborn

Guuuuurl. I just can’t even right now. You know I survive on credible bullshit, but today I got nothin. Fuckin college kids are spoiled now. Is this the shit they get to eat while cramming for finals?? I’d go back to school for this shit, fuck. Thankfully you don’t have to, just get the hookup for like $2.99. And cook it for your lady love. Guaranteed you’ll get laid, you don’t even have to sit through the Notebook anymore. #progress. Aww fuck it, just eat it. You won’t be sorry. 9.0/10