I’m a girl who’s into self improvement, so let’s get weird and try some perishables. What, you think I’m not sophisticated enough to enjoy a premium product that requires high tech stuff like refrigeration? Fuck you. Watch me devour this shit on Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 21: Nama Hiyashi Chuuka Yuzu Fumi (Japanese Style Cold Noodles with Yuzu Flavored Dressing).
You may recall Myojo as the creator of the last Japanese cold noodle experience we shared together. Well, yagirl Natti trekked all the way to New Joisey (c/o Mitsuwa) to bring you another tasty delight, this time with yuzu, that sexy Japanese citrus that everyone’s tryna tap. Imagine you go to a party and for once in your life, you’re not just looking to pick up the easiest piece of basic ass just so you don’t have to 5-finger shuffle it tonight. Nahh dawg, you’re looking for looks AND brains AND personality. You’re looking for that girl who will eat your ass then let you put her in a cage. Yuzu delivers. Exotic, mysterious, and sultry, it’ll make you feel things in places you thought died when Ryan in junior year of high school with his frosted tips and his Pac Sun board shorts who’d been sharing all your fries for 4 months straight rejected your promposal and went with boring ass Meegan from the field hockey team instead, who is still working at Williams-Sonoma in her 30s as a cashier. Eat it. I ain’t bitter.
You can thank Myojo for setting up this meet n greet for you. What you gotta do is prep your toppings first, cuz you don’t wanna sit there looking like an dingleberry after your noodles are done while your slow ass cuts up vegetables like this is your first rodeo. Be smart about it. I went to the farmers market, cuz #yuppie, and scored some sweetass purple carrots, late summer corn, pastured eggs and crisp cucumber, added my own garden tomatoes and some turkey deli meat. Got all that shit ready and boiled the noods for a good 3-4. Rinse em good and squeeze the excess water out so your sauce doesn’t get diluted af. Noods, toppings, sawce, kewpie mayo, DONE. Don’t skimp on the kewpie tho and think that Hellman’s is a good substitute. It doesn’t have MSG, so it isn’t. You’re eating mayo, so don’t even try to tell me you’re suddenly a boy scout looking out for your health. Fucking get real.
Okay, this IS different than the last time, Myojo’s instant version. For one, there’s no mustard. The noodles seem cleaner, sweeter, and smell almost like bakery bread in the best of ways. The shoyu-based sauce is thinner and sharper with no sesame of which to speak. Mix this shit all up. Then take a bite and try to tell me there isn’t so much going on that you gotta sit down and redefine your identity as sexual orientation: Food. First you get the salty kick of the soy sauce, then the yuzu smacks your rear to get you hot while you’re riding it, then the kewpie is there soothing your feelings and wrapping you in a snuggie filled with vaseline to remind you you’re all warm n safe, baby bird. Legit, you are getting consensually assaulted in the face with more layers and textures than Photoshop Pro. You’re probably super confused right now. That’s to be expected. It’s okay to cry a little after a transformative world-questioning experience. You’ll probably need to call up your therapist (or patronus, if you’re broke and still have a gram stuffed in your bowl). Just don’t get attached, yo. You only have 2 more servings in this pack of 3. Use them wisely.
Final Score: 8.5/10