On our last date, we got real cozy with Korea’s Ottogi Soy Milk Ramen. Not to be outdone, Japan also countered with the whitest thing they have: tonkotsu pork bone broth. You thought I was gonna say bukkake circle of trust. Perv. I bet you’d just LOVE for me to get my face in it for Not Your Mother’s Ramen Episode 25 – Marutai Hakata Nagahama Tonkotsu Ramen. Of course I’m gonna, I ain’t scurred.

Making noodles out of your bathtub is easy. It doesn’t take a PhDoctor to whip together some questionable quality chemicals and pass it off as “suitable for human consumption.” I’m pretty sure I’m not a doctor, but I have dabbled in pharmaceuticals. It was a dark time. D.A.R.E. to be different.

You’ll notice the non-descript straightness of these noodles right off the bat. Like, straighter than Tim Kaine straight. They’re ready in 2 minutes flat and smell sweet like fresh-milled flour, like an actual person made ’em, so I guess they also have that in common with the coulda woulda shoulda picked someone more exciting-VP on the 2016 ticket. We’re in DC, politics is our religion. And we aren’t sure if the new pastor is actually receiving divine messages or needs his Zyprexa refilled.

The powder soup transforms into a thick bone broth that, when you take your first bump, you think might be stanky, but actually and delightfully turns into an uncomplicated, slightly creamy, warming soup with just the right amount of oil coating the noodles to give them enough slip and be super sessionable. This is your high school friend you chill with when you’re home from school. Thank God for this bro, he’s cool whether you’re in your studio apartment sitting in dick stained sweats playing CoD all weekend or being the shovel man when you dig up your dead mother for her burial jewelry.

Thanks, Japan. You brought a good game by showing us that tonkotsu can be an every week (or twice or three times a week) meal. It’s a good thing that Marutai gives you two servings. #twinning

Final Score: 7.0/10